I’ll take one trampled childhood, please!

Hollywood is making a Castlevania movie? And it was delayed by the WGA strike? I dont know how to react first — with shock and horror that it’s being made…or with relief that it’s being delayed”

So they’re making a Castlevania movie. Did you hear? Not the best news I’ve heard all day. It’s actually the worst.

I’m always a tad bit shocked when people who have the rights to these things just sign them away to be mutilated by a Hollywood production company who doesn’t give a hoot about the franchise. Well, actually, no I’m not shocked. And I’m not saying it guts me emotionally to hear that they’re making a Castlevania movie.

But, seriously, when they put Spider-Man and Transformers through the Hollywood machine, it was the equivalent of putting food through a digestive tract: the result was feces.

Garbage.

So what we had put on our movie-viewing plates was transformed Transformers‘ feces. And now they’re making Transformers 2… Oh, but not until the writers agree to come back to work! (Yes, apparently Transformers actually had a script)

Fair enough, I guess. I did point out before that the Castlevania franchise was ringing some bells on my bullshit-detector. Still, I’m just surprised they wouldn’t go the angle of high-budget Japanese animation first. ‘Cause like, fuck Hollywood. I haven’t seen a good Hollywood movie in my entire life. Wait, was Bladerunner made in Hollywood? Oh shi…

I think a better (and much more layered) film would be one in which a descendant of the Belmont clan must enter Dracula’s Hollywood production firm, or “castle” and stop a Castlevania film from being made. Feel free to steal that gem, striking and non-striking writers!

As far as game-to-movie adaptations go, I actually thought the first Resident Evil film was decent. It had some crazy tongue-in-cheek humor and also had some disturbing gore/zombie scenes and threw in a number of clever game references. But, the Resident Evil games are already monumentally cinematic and paid their own tribute to Hollywood film with every release. The whole schtick of the first game was that you were playing through a horror story (and a pretty decent one at that). Of course, they’ve made two more movies since then. I didn’t even realize there was a big audience for it. I mean, they were like 5 years late on tagging that franchise for movies.

FOR SOME REASON MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ IS NOT IN THE SEQUELS

The Super Mario Brothers film from the early ’90s with Bob Hoskins and John Luigizamo was legitimately strange, but interesting. Incidentally, my friend pointed out that a Super Mario Bros. movie would be really excellent if they just tagged Michael Bay to direct. The man’s a comedic genius!

Remember those idiot kids who called him “Mayer-rio”?

The Dungeons & Dragons film really had little to do with D&D. I didn’t even watch it, but I think it would piss me off. In fact, computer-rendered-imagery of dragons really chaps my hide in general. No, I’m not seeing Beowulf, even if Crispin “Hellion” Glover has a major role. Damn it, do they make movies out of literature now, too?!

Seriously, in the corporate machine, the only thing that seems to matter are the rich suits willing to put stuff together soullessly. That’s the only thing that matters. The greasy producers that call the shots, who make it happen with their evil power. A bunch of Draculas, they is!

Okay, realistically they’re not even that evil. They’re a lot more pathetic than Dracula, that handsome devil! But I’m saying this: movies suck and you shouldn’t watch them. Really. When was the last time you saw a good movie? I don’t need to hear your answer because I know already: you never saw a good movie (unless it was Ghostbusters or Wayne’s World).

It’s a good thing I find everything in the world to be boring and am only interested in exploring this rich inner spirit that I have in spades (that’s right, spades).

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~ by chaosrexmachinae on January 8, 2008.

One Response to “I’ll take one trampled childhood, please!”

  1. […] the excited, critical “nerd” angle, but because he’s saying what I think is some important cultural shit I’ve touched on before, here at CRM Industrial Corp. Some of the games he reviews, film adaptations like Ghostbusters and or Back to the Future or […]

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