Playing misty with Nintendo game covers

Hey y’all.

Today, just for kicks, lets have some fun and review a handful of awesome Nintendo game covers. Game publishers are lazy now and covers are unmemorable. They typically use a character from the game or an in-game cinema shot for the box artwork. Snore. So, today we are taking a trip back to an older time, when the artistic visions of video game companies flowed like milk and honey in the land of Canaan and “nary a man playeth guitar if he not droveth fast car.”

Feel free to chime in with your own suggestions and comments on this post!

***
(1) MEGA MAN

By the looks of his outfit, the game could’ve been called Aggro-crag Man (for those of you acquainted with the Nickelodeon reference: Guts Man was actually already a character in the game). It’s as though someone at the company “accidentally” put their kids’ artwork into the Capcom print order. The folks at the old Capcom art team should be congratulated for nearly blackmailing the entire race of Mega Men with this colorful gem.

You’re fired

It is difficult to imagine an enjoyable game coming from this picture. Maybe because this visually represents what it actually feels like to have a near-death experience from detoxing copious amounts of psilocybin.

***

(2) AMAGON

This cover is something special. First Amagon has a machine gun, but then he gets so tough he doesn’t even need it. I don’t know how the douche-bag male protagonists in games like God of War, Metal Gear Solid or Tom Clancy’s Ghost Retard are considered masculine next to Amagon. Amagon may look like an Archie comic crossed with some old-school Richie Cunningham ugly, but he could still delete a Spartan army without breaking a sweat.

Actually, he might sweat bullets (nudge nudge, Megadeth reference)

Good gravy! The placement of the exploding gun in that picture is not exactly subtle. And for an added bonus, listen to this music in another window and then click the Amagon cover.

***

(3) ANTICIPATION

In all seriousness I want a poster of Anticipation.

Look at this:

The fun-havers.

To emphasize the quality of this cover, I made a little comic.

Gaze and let it all sink in. There is no escape.
***

(4) MEGA MAN II

Not only is this game awesome six ways to Sunday, but the cover is quite a doosie as well! Check out that tofurkey-quality fighting stance Mega Man is in. If Mega Man decides to move in any direction (except maybe up to heaven), he’s going to need a cast and a brace on that back leg. I guess some robots aren’t so logical after all…

Upon inspecting the characters in the background, it seems some very important work on Buzz Man has been left incomplete, since he cannot stand up on his own.

ACTUAL GAME SCREENSHOT

Now I have to tell you, there’s a reason they call Mega Man’s arch-nemesis Dr. Wiley a “mad scientist”, and it isn’t the fact that he suffers from psychotic mental imbalances whilst being an ingenious inventor. It’s because he doesn’t properly assess the risks and returns on his technological investments.

But you know the real reason Dr. Wiley always gets his clock cleaned? He never invented the most unstoppable robot of all: Salary Man.

***

(5) ANY GAME COVER WITH HELPLESS SCANTY WOMEN


Dance with the dragon, boy!Typical castle fareNo ideaDo any of you even read these?Foxy circle babe always does it to me!

***

I don’t have much time for more right now, but we’ll go over some others later. And I’m not ragging on these games. The ones I’ve played are all quite fun in their own right and the covers are slicker than soap.

Advertisements

~ by chaosrexmachinae on September 30, 2007.

3 Responses to “Playing misty with Nintendo game covers”

  1. That comic is 5000 parts brilliance. you have won.

  2. What the fuck is up with that MegaMan 1 cover? That background has a) nothing to do with the game, b) nothing to do with reality c) nothing to do with art d) nothing to do with quality.

    That “Anticipation” cover is perhaps the whitest thing I’ve ever seen. That shit is whiter than a Wes Anderson movie. That shit is whiter than the word “evidently.” That shit is whiter than a white guy with the last name “White.” It’s white I tells ya! And since when do people want to play board games on Nintendo? I remember games were like $60 or $70 back then, whereas a board game, in hi-definition reality, would cost around $25. No wonder I’ve never heard of it.

  3. I knew you’d like it. If those people are acting, they’re really legit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: